Getting started with BDSM as a couple

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Getting started with BDSM as a couple: suggestions and advice before you begin

What is BDSM?

– BDSM = Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Sadomasochism.
This somewhat barbaric and general acronym encompasses a wide range of profiles, too numerous to list.
There is a major difference between people who enjoy being submissive and those who enjoy receiving pain. This difference is important to consider.
Enjoying obedience and service is different from enjoying being spanked or whipped. A masochistic person won't necessarily want to be given orders.
However, some tastes can overlap, and one can enjoy obeying (intellectual pleasure) and being punished (physical pleasure).
It is essential to ask yourself this question before exploring BDSM.

How to get started with BDSM as a couple?

Another key question is: "What role do I want to play?"
Again, it would be long and difficult to categorize each profile, so I'll simply list them:
– Top/Dominant/Giver: the person who orchestrates the BDSM scene, the one to whom the power has been given.
– Bottom/Submissive/Receiver: the person for whom the scene is designed, the one who gives the power.
– Switch: someone who enjoys giving as much as receiving.
Sometimes, we already know the role we want to play; we've had time to fantasize and imagine ourselves in it. Sometimes, we want both roles, and sometimes we don't know at all.
It can then be helpful to learn more about BDSM, to think about what we feel capable of (e.g., giving a spanking, giving a simple command, or, conversely, carrying out an instruction).

Who is really in charge?

Often, misconceptions lead people to imagine a person as a victim of a torturer's whims and torment.
It's important to remember that sexuality, in whatever form it takes, should be a free and fully consensual experience between two adults.
Let's consider BDSM instead as a space where games can unfold through a consensual exchange of power between two or more people.
Nothing can be done without the absolute, informed consent of the person receiving the experience. Otherwise, it's called abuse and is punishable by law.

Therefore, before exploring BDSM as a couple, it's essential to take the time to reflect on our beliefs, desires, and boundaries.
What is negotiable and what isn't. Without judgment.
BDSM isn't a competition to see who can do more or better; it's a path to self-discovery and sharing with respect for oneself and others.
Being clear with oneself allows one to be clear with one's partner.

How to talk about it with your life partner?

If the desire arises together, all the better! More often than not, it's one partner who has the idea and wonders how to talk to the other about it.
My advice is to have already explored the previous questions, to be able to put some words to practices and concepts. This allows you to approach the subject with some answers.

And what happens when words fail?

Sometimes watching a film about relationships you'd like to explore (domination/submission, but also polyamory, swinging, homosexuality, or bisexuality…) can be a better first step than buying her a full leather catsuit. There are plenty of films that address this aspect of sexuality in interesting ways.
The best approach, however, is to simply ask the question. "You know, darling, the other day I was reading an article about people who practice BDSM. Have you ever thought about it?" Depending on the answer, you'll have some ideas for what to do next.

What games are good for couples to get started with BDSM?

I'm sure that, like Monsieur Jourdain who spoke prose without knowing it, you already have some "non-vanilla" practices (vanilla is the usual term for people with a "conventional" life).

Have you ever pulled your partner's hair? Have you ever held their hands during sex or blindfolded them to surprise them?
Yes, all of this is part of BDSM! Restraint, anticipation, playing with sensations…

If your partner is interested, you can explore BDSM this way.
A spanking before experiencing the pleasure of leather with a soft riding crop.
Restraint with handcuffs is generally recommended over ropes . Indeed, while tying up can evoke pleasurable sensations and emotions, it is nonetheless risky. It is essential to avoid slipknots and tourniquets, as well as pinching sensory and motor nerves.
The use of quick-to-apply, well-fitting handcuffs that don't tighten is recommended unless you intend to take shibari or Japanese bondage classes.
The sensation of hot wax on the body, which sends shivers down the spine, especially when blindfolded and a few indecent whispers are whispered, is more than enough to ignite the senses and imagination.

You can also go to a Club and observe, ask for advice, read specialized blogs or books that bear witness to relationships of this type.

Security, consent

The framework/boundaries: It is essential to list your desires and perceived or known limits beforehand. Similarly, it is necessary to inform your play partner so that they do not transgress them without your consent.
The safeword: This is a word that immediately ends the current scene. Some practitioners like to use a color code (green-orange-red); I also recommend STOP. It's universal and instinctive.
On the other hand, "no"s that can mean "yes" should be avoided.
Aftercare: A moment of relaxation and cuddling after a BDSM scene. Not mandatory, but often welcome and conducive to debriefing.

What if I hurt him?

The foundation of this type of relationship is trust. Since zero risk doesn't exist, anticipating potential problems helps manage them. If you've followed the steps above and your communication with your partner is clear, handling a misunderstanding or incident should go smoothly.
However, if, despite the established framework, you suddenly become aggressive, a reaction is to be expected. In any case, apologize and suggest discussing it at a more appropriate time.

And what about the equipment in all of this?

No need to invest too much: your hands, a scarf, and a suitable candle (those sold in stores or sex shops often have a high melting point due to their composition) will do just fine before you head to the equestrian section of your local sporting goods store.
The object is certainly symbolic, but what makes it magical is you and your relationship with it, your way of using it.

Want to treat yourself? Wait a bit, practice, explore the different types of accessories. How many people have invested too quickly, without knowing what they're doing, only to end up not using them?
Opt for quality pieces, good ropes, good leather, handmade items for your key pieces. You won't necessarily find these in a sex shop or the DIY section, but directly from a reputable brand…