FAQs

Getting started with BDSM as a couple

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Getting started with BDSM as a couple, suggestions and advice before starting

What is BDSM?

– BDSM = Bondage Discipline, Domination Sado-masochism
In this somewhat barbaric and general acronym, there are plenty of diverse profiles which would take a long time to list.
There is a major difference between people who enjoy being submissive and those who enjoy receiving pain.
This difference must be taken into account. Loving to obey, to serve is different from liking to be spanked or whipped.
A masochistic person will not necessarily want to be given orders. However, certain tastes can overlap and we can like to obey (cerebral pleasure) and be corrected (physical pleasure).
It is essential, before introducing yourself to BDSM, to ask yourself this question.

How to get started with BDSM as a couple?

Another main question is: “what role do I want to play?”
» Once again, it would be long and difficult to categorize each of the profiles so I will just quote:
– Top/dominant/donor: the person who orchestrates the BDSM scene, the one to whom power has been handed over.
– Bottom/submissive/receiver: the person for whom the scene is designed, the one who gives the power.
– Switch: person who likes to give as much as to receive
Sometimes, we already know the role we want to play, we have had time to fantasize, to plan.
Sometimes we want both roles and sometimes we don't know at all. It may then be interesting to acquire more BDSM culture, to think about what you feel capable of (e.g., spanking, giving a simple order or, on the contrary, carrying out an instruction, etc.)

Who is actually in charge?

Often, preconceived ideas lead us to imagine a person being the victim of the whims and torments of a torturer.
As a reminder, sexuality, whatever its form, must be a free and fully consensual moment between two adults.
Let us instead consider BDSM as a theater where games can take place, thanks to an exchange of power agreed between two or more people.
Nothing can be done without the absolute, informed agreement of the person receiving it. Otherwise, it is called abuse and is punishable by law.

It is therefore essential, before starting BDSM as a couple, to take the time to think about our beliefs, our desires, our limits.
What is negotiable and what is not.
Without judgement. BDSM is not a race to do more or better, it is a path to knowing oneself and sharing with respect for oneself and others.
Being clear with yourself allows you to be clear with others.

How to talk to your life partner about it?

If the desire emerges jointly, so much the better!
Most often, it is one member of the couple who has the idea and wonders how to tell the other about it. My advice is to have already cleared up the previous questions, to be able to put a few words on practices and concepts. This allows us to approach the subject with some answers.

And when words fail?

Sometimes watching a film about the relationships you would like to experience (domination/submission but also poly-love, libertinism, homo or bisexuality, etc.) can be a first step rather than offering him a full leather suit.
There are plenty of films that tackle this aspect of sexuality in an interesting way. The best thing is to simply ask the question. “You know Darling, the other day I was reading an article about people who practice BDSM. Have you ever thought about it yourself? » Depending on the answer, you will have ideas for what to do next.

What games to get started with BDSM as a couple?

I am sure that like Mr. Jourdain who wrote prose without knowing it, you already have “non-vanilla” practices (vanilla is the usual term to designate people with a “classic” life).

Have you ever pulled your partner's hair?
Have you ever blocked his hands while making love to him or blindfolded him to surprise him? And yes, this is all part of BDSM! Constrain, wait, play on sensations...

If your partner wants it, you can introduce yourself to BDSM this way.
A spanking before tasting the pleasure of leather with a gentle flogger.
Restraint with handcuffs is recommended rather than ropes .
Indeed, if tying up is a practice that conveys pleasant sensations and emotions, it is no less risky. It is imperative to avoid nooses and tourniquets as well as pinching of sensory and motor nerves. The use of handcuffs that are quick to place and suitable, which do not tighten, is recommended as long as you do not wish to take shibari or Japanese bondage lessons.
The sensation of hot wax on the body which makes one shiver, as long as one's eyes are blindfolded and some indecency is whispered, is enough to ignite the senses and the imagination.

You can also go to a Club and observe, ask for advice, read specialized blogs or books testifying to relationships of this type.

Security, consent

The framework/limits: it is essential to first list your desires and supposed or known limits.
In the same way, it is necessary to inform your gaming partner so that he does not transgress them without your agreement. The safeword: it is a word that immediately ends the game in progress.
Some practitioners like to use a color code (green-orange-red), I also advise you STOP. It’s universal and instinctive. On the other hand, “no” people who can say “yes” should be avoided.
Aftercare: moment of relaxation, cuddles after a BDSM scene. Not obligatory but often welcome and conducive to debriefing.

What if I hurt him?

The basis of this type of relationship is trust.
Since zero risk does not exist, anticipating a trip off the road helps to manage it. If you have followed the steps above and your communication is clear with your partner, handling a misunderstanding or incident should go smoothly. On the other hand, if despite the established framework you transform into a wild beast, a reaction is to be expected. Either way, apologize and offer to talk about it at a convenient time.

And the material in all this?

No need to invest too much: your hands, a scarf, a suitable candle (those sold in stores or sex shops often have a high melting point due to their composition) will do the trick before you go to the horse riding section of local sports store.
The object is certainly symbolic but what makes it magical is you and your relationship to the object, your way of using it.

Want to please yourself ?
Wait a bit, practice, see the different types of accessories. How many people have invested too quickly, without knowing so as not to use the object. Prefer quality pieces, good ropes, good leather, handmade for your centerpieces. This is not necessarily found in a sex shop or in the DIY section but directly from a name…